Letter To No One…

Written

ENGLISH

(My Mother unpacked One of her Old boxes, found this Letter… Totally had to Translate it for you, NOT too sure it is as Funny as you’d Understand it in Afrikaans… Thought You’d like to read it…)

Pumpkin-Ghost-Valley

P.K. Awfully-ill-Ville.

Dear Budd,

I’m writing this letter slowly, seeing that you cannot read that fast. You’d not remember the house, when you come home.

Seeing that we’ve moved.

I’m sending you, your jacket you asked for. Because I didn’t want it to be so heavy, I cut off the buttons.

(If you’d like to know, they buttons are in the top pocket.)

You’re Father landed himself a nice job.

He’s got 500 people below him. He’s mowing the lawn at the graveyard.

Uncle Marty has every Thursday off nowadays. He works at the Domino’s factory and on every Thursday they make blanks.

Uncle Dave has passed away.

He drowned while he was brewing Moonshine Whiskey in a massive kettle. Two of his buddies dove in to rescue him. Yet, he kept out of their reach until the very end of it.

The Funeral Director had to work for three hours, getting the smile off his face. We choose to cremate him, but after two days the fire was still burning.

Our new house is full of surprises. There’s three basins in the bathroom.

There’s one for washing your hands and face, another to wash your entire body, then one to use for only your feet.

Still, you need to be fast when washing your feet, seeing that the water would run down very fast.

There’s two things about the feet-basin we do not understand, thus we’re using the basin for the cutting-board and we framed Grandma’s Portrait, placing above the other.

On Tuesday your Father and I visited the Doctor.

The Doctor gave me a little glass thing I had to keep in my mouth for 10 Minutes.

Now suddenly your Father wants to buy the thing from the Doctor.

Uncle Neil and Aunt Janet had a small accident at home. Their gas-stove exploded and launched both of them out of the Kitchen.

Aunt Janet didn’t care that much, seeing that it was the first time in twenty years, for her and Uncle Neil going out together.

Your sister Susanna had a baby this morning.

I’ve not heard what she had, thus I don’t know if you’re an Uncle or Aunt yet…

It rained twice in last week.

First it rained for 4 days and then for 3 days.

On Monday the wind blew so badly, one of the Hens laid the same egg three times over.

We received a letter from the Old Undertaker, who buried your Grandfather.

If we don’t make the last payment within Seven days, he’s going to dig-up Grandpa…

Your Nephew Carlos, on the front-lines, received a Telegram from his girlfriend:

“I couldn’t wait any longer, so had I to marry your Father. Love Mom…”

Uncle William had bought another car.

It was a holy one, they’d drive the Hell out of it.

He cannot believe the bargain he’d landed with the purchase, Yet he’s still lying underneath it while fixing it.

He says the wipers do not wipe, the tappets do not tap as well as the pistons do not just move up and down, but they rattling around in the engine as well.

All my Love,

Your Mother.

P.S.: I wanted to add the $10 you asked for, but then the letter has been sealed already.

AFRIKAANS

(Het die Getikte brief by my Ma gekry, met die wat sy Een van haar OU Bokse uitgepak het… Ek het so `n KLEIN Bietjie hier verander… Gedink jul as wil lees…)

Pampoenspookdrif

P.K. Brandsiekspruit.

Liewe Boet,

Ek skryf maar stadig want ek weet jy kan nie vinnig lees nie. Jy sal nie die huis ken as jy huis toe kom nie.

Ons het getrek.

Ek stuur jou baadjie wat jy gevra het met die pos. Sodat die pakkie nie te swaar moet wees nie het ek die knope afgesny.

(As jy wil weet waar die knope is, kyk in die liner boonste sak.)

Jou pa het nou `n lekker werk.

Hy het 500 mense onder hom. Hy sny die gras by die begrafplaas.

Oom Sors het deesdae elke Donderdag af. Hy verf die wit kolletjies op die blokkies by die Dominoufabriek en elke Donderdag maak hulle net blenks.

Jou Oom Sarel is dood.

Hy het verdrink in `n tenk Mampoer bo in die berg by die ketel. Twee van sy maats het ingeduik om hom te red, maar hy het hulle van hom af weggehou tot die laaste.

Dit het die ondernemer amper drie uur gekos om die glimlag van sy gesig af te kry. Ons het hom versa, maar twee dae later het die vuur nog gebrand.

Die nuwe huis is vol verrarssings. In die badkamer is glad drie wasbakke. Een om jou hande en gesig in te was, een om jou hele lyf in te was en een net vir jou voete. Maar jou voete moet jy baie vinnig was anders loop al die water weg. Twee goed by die voetwasbak wis ons nie waarvoor die was nie, nou gebruik ons maar die een vir `n broodbord en ons het Ouma te potret geraam in die ander.

Ek en jou Pa is Dinsdag Dokter toe.

Die Dokter het so `n klein glas ding in my mond gesit en ek moes my mond vir 10 Minute toe hou. Nou wil jou Pa die ding by die Dokter koop.

Oom Soois en Tant San se gas-stoof het ontplof en skiet hulle toe altwee deur die Kombuis dak.

Tant San het nie omgegee nie, sy sê dit was die eerste keer dat hulle saam uit was in twintig jaar.

Jou suster Susanna het `n baba gehad vanoggend.

Ek het nog nie gehoor wat dit was nie, so ek weet nog nie of jy `n Oom of `n Tante is nie.

Dit het net twee keer gereën verlede week.

Eers 4 dae en toe vir 3 dae.

Maandag het die wind so gewaai dat een van die Henne dieselfde eier drie keer gelê het.

Ons het `n brief van die Ondernermer gekry wat jou Oupa begrawe het.

Hy sê as ons nie die laaste paaiement binne Sewe dae betaal nie, kom grawe hy Oupa weer uit.

Jou neef Karools, op die grens, het `n telegram van sy nooi gekry:

“Kon nie langer vir jou wag nie, trou toe met jou Pa. Liefde Moeder.”

Oom Willie het toe `n ander kar gekoop.

`n Heilige een, want die duiwel is uit hom uitgery.

Hy kan nog nie oor die bargain kom nie, want hy lê nog al die tyd onder die ding.

Hy sê die wipers wil nie wipe nie, die tappets wil nie tap nie en die pistons gaan nie op en af, sonder on teen die kante te slat nie.

Liefhebbend,

Jou Ma.

Ns. Ek wou nog die R10 insluit wat jy gevra het, maar nou is die brief al klaar toegeplak.

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